A million things I’d like to say, but I cant!

It was raining and was pretty cold outside.
I called someone for the obvious reason of chatting for a while, but had to hang up soon. It was because it was hard to talk; it was something that wouldn’t let me speak what I wished to express, and something that had made me talk more to myself than to the other people around me.

I wondered the last time, I had my voice, a perfect and fluent speech, the voice that could speak its heart, the voice that I wish I had now.
I was helpless about it, because the voice had left me ten years back, in a world where I needed it badly, to survive, to be happy, to be social and to find love.

I remembered that day back in 6th grade, when a teacher said to me –  “You know a lot of things but the problem with you is you are quite mischievous”. These were the kind of comments that I used to get from teachers very often, after I would be caught disturbing the class, but still would be able to give satisfactory answers to the questions that followed. I never stuttered, or did I know what stuttering was.

Its obvious that we can not remember all incidents of our life, so don’t remember how I contracted stuttering. The next incident I remember was in 7th grade, when I and a group of friends were being punished for playing a prank with a girl of 6th grade, whom I met in a painting class. As we were kneeling down outside the class, and our class teacher was about to arrive, and all of us were pretty nervous of facing his questions, I remember requesting the guy beside me to help me with my speech when the teacher would ask me for an explanation. By that time, one year past the former incident, I had become a severe stutterer.

I have tried hard to recall the exact time and reason of how I got the problem of not being able to speak fluently, but I don’t remember any incident that happened in the one year gap between the two I described above.

Stuttering made my life hell, I have severe stuttering. Most people who would want to advice me about it would say, “keep a stone under your tongue at night when you sleep”, others would ask me to read the newspaper aloud every morning. But, the stone stuff is for people who have incorrect pronunciation, a speech disorder that’s called “lisping”. My case was not that at all. Those days we had very limited knowledge about speech disorders and I kept hoping this would be cured someday magically. I had heard many stories of some distant relative who used to stutter in childhood and grew up to be a fluent speaker. I was hopeful that the bad speech problem would go away as easily as it appeared all of a sudden. I used to wish, I wake up one morning and my stammering is gone completely! I would jump out of the bed, and complete everything that I couldn’t complete because of my speech.

The worse days had started and the mischievous part of me had died now. I was once the “disturbing element of the class” and now I was one guy who would sit silently even in lunch breaks. It all started after fellow-classmates humiliated and teased when my speech blocked. Later, I wasn’t able to even answer my roll call.

I would practice everyday while walking to school. I would think “today I will do it. Today I wont stop”, but I would always get blocked at the instant I stood up to say “Yes sir!” As I grew up stuttering became a trauma, something that made me hate myself. I could figure out by then, the more I grow up, the more problems I shall face, the more humiliated I shall be. I consulted few speech therapists, and had certain amount of improvement but stuttering would again appear once I left the speech exercise practices. Sometimes the stutter was too unpredictable. In few short spans in my life, stuttering would almost disappear, and I would be happy about it, but it would again come back suddenly some day again. I have had this sort of episodic dis-fluency for years together.

This was all I did today, expressing my thoughts in words, in someway different to the numerous other days, when I’d just recall and forget. 

Can I ever get my voice back ??

or would I always be the person, who thinks –  “A million things I’d like to say, but I can’t!”

9 Comments

Comments are closed.

  1. Sachin 7 years ago

    Congrats Biswaranjan! You already have got back your 'voice'. Haven't you? Deciding to write down all those personal thoughts must have been TOUGH- but you have done it and done it so well- This is your 'voice'.. Keep using it. And I am sure someday soon, that other 'voice' also will come forth, with mush less effort..
    Best wishes from TISA family!

  2. admin 7 years ago

    You do have your voice! YES YOU DO !!!
    You're already on your way to success.
    I'm pretty sure things will be more smoother for you as time goes.

    Be active at TISA blog and be in touch with TISA family. !

  3. admin 7 years ago

    Biswaranjan, as they say a journey of thousand miles begin with the first step, and u have taken the first step!! I can c a bright future waiting to embrace u!!

  4. admin 7 years ago

    Biswaranjan,

    Your post reminds me of an incidence – Even I was going through this awful stage of hating myself because of my stammer. This was in second year of my BSc. I had taken Geology as one of my subject. In that, we had an exercise.. We had to see a photo of a land region, and describe its topology (Geological Description). When the lecturer read my topology, she said – "Harish, you really have written a wonderful topology. You can describe really well when you write.. But when you talk, you get stuck !".

    This was the time, I decided to resort to writing, to express myself. I started writing a diary and started writing my good and bad experiences with stuttering. I wouldn't share it and kept that diary locked safely in leather bag.

    Then TISA introduced me to blogging about your stuttering experiences. I began posting my experiences. And it was slowly liberating me… You have started the same… And you will soon see how it helps… CONGRATULATIONS.. and keep writing…

  5. admin 7 years ago

    Dear Biswaranjan, you have stopped at the right place. Here in TISA some are severe stutter and others are mild but irrespective of our severity we understand each other’s. Its only we who can make our society aware about this handicap therefore TISA movement need a collective effort.

    Keep sharing your thoughts and experiences, a lot of people are here to listen you !!

  6. admin 7 years ago

    Thank you everyone for the motivation.
    Well, I have strange case of stuttering, because it started at the age of 10 years (which is very late).
    And I have episodic dis-fluency.
    The degree of dis-fluency keeps on changing.
    Anyways I will be attending TISA workshops from now on. Hope yo interact with you people in person.
    🙂

  7. Anon 7 years ago

    There must be more stuttering initialization patterns than the stars in the sky! I remember(?) I was fluent in early childhood (5-8) though very quiet and only person to notice a problem with my speech was my father. Then I suffered my first major block on my name in school and then i developed a phobia of words with A. Now I understand that the phobia made my speech mechanism tense up just before I needed to speak the words with letter A. And I became more quiet. Silence is not the best friend of stammers. Also, talking a lot wont guarantee cure but it is better to keep talking so that the control on the speech mechanism is good. Atleast that way things wont get worse like in my case. Till a 2-3 years back, I wasnt having any problem with T but now I am having blocks! Think less and talk more.

  8. admin 7 years ago

    think less and talk more. this is right said by anon. same problem with me . i am also a stammerer since childhood but very few people knows that i had problem in speech because i am so much intelligent to avoid the difficult sounds and it seems that i have very good humor but when i started to work on my speech then i face more problem because now i am considered it as a problem and now i even cant say "yes sir" during roll call on which i never block since my childhood. but the reason is that now i am more aware about my problem and my mind always think about to cure it. it also make conditions more worst. work on your speech but first became desensitized if your problem increases this is the real test. so now i feel happiness instead of shame and fear if i stuck on the words. it changes a lot in you.

  9. Sunil 7 years ago

    Biswaranjan,

    was stammering not your problem , could you hv been able to write such a wonder full article, I got my tears rolled on my cheeks man.. stammering is bless to you.. at-least to you…

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