struggle–tears—strength—fight

These days ‘M’ is my most feared word; feared word used to change time to time….but these days it is ‘M’ at which i am struggling most.

In my journey of acceptance, i am trying to speak more and more words starting with ‘M’ as my struggle to have DIRECT ENCOUNTER with my fear.

It is my struggle to get out of this emotional trauma.
It is my struggle to make myself completely naked of my stammering and be what i am.
It is my struggle to move ahead in my life out of this continuous fear of stammering.

Although i am trying to face the fear head on……..i am trying to bounce,prolong,volunteer stammering………..but , still i am not trying fully.

But i am trying…….

I am still trying to hide my real identity with those artificial clothes of escapism……..but,still i am trying.

I am trying to practice in the outer world……..people are sometimes laughing and/or ignoring me……still i am trying.

When people laugh/ignore…..i feel bad……i feel anger and tears in my innerself…….as i am not able to weep even alone in my room…..but yes….my innerself weeps and get angry everytime someone laughs or ignores me.

The tendency of mind to be too much conscious of my speaking conditions in future used to give me a lot of tension…..but still with full of fear, i struggle to say  exactly the words i want to speak.

I am struggling…….not wholeheartedly, but still , i am…….

i am struggling to speak comfortably……i am struggling to be a natural speaker……..i am struggling to stammer easily………..i am struggling to drain all my tears,my anger aggravated for years….

It is painful!!!

But, i cant quit!!!

Because to quit or to live the same style i was living is basically slavery.

Slavery to situation……slavery to people’s attitude.

And, i am not a SLAVE!!!

I am not a slave!!

I am going to fight with strength……..i am going to fight till last drop of blood in my body.

I am going to get out of this trauma one day.

I am going to be a natural,completely authentic person one day without any fear of people’s attitude towards myself.

one day……yes, one day……….

4 Comments

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  1. Sachin 5 years ago

    Thanks Ashish for sharing your thoughts.. Also, will you not share what you do with your cell phone on? That might help others to realise, what kind of things need to be done to conquer fear..
    In medical science- Fever is considered GOOD sometime. Because it is a sign that immune system of the body is not dead yet- it is reacting to an outside infection..
    Bravo, never give up to the tricks of your mind..

  2. Sachin 5 years ago

    Ashish, I think, this video is meant for you.. See and write some thing about it in your next post..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=unxL5RRhNb0

  3. admin 5 years ago

    Keep Walking ….

  4. admin 5 years ago

    My friend ..M is just an alphabet..a sound..bring out the illusionist ..the magician in you…use the tools in the universe…turn yourself into a vocabularic and juggle with words..sounds…
    On a lighter note why not substitute "M" with "Yum" ..many south indians use "Yum" Instead of "M" while talking..few may tag this tactic as escapism..but for me its my magic..:)
    More preachings :As a stutter we need to be more innovative ..and beleive me that gives us added advantage to exercise our gray cells more than a normal speaker..
    Its my personal take that not every war needs to be fought by me , so i choose my own wars..i try to put that extra effort to sharpen my other skills..
    May be you could start writing..i can see a budding poet in you..

    Cheers..!!!

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