My story..

My stammering started in childhood. Grandfather used to tell I
acquired it by mimicking one of my aunty. However up to 10th class,
it was very mild. Moreover, I have participated in debates in my
school time and won prizes. I became a bit more aware about it when I
joined college (+2 Science). And then it started to increase. In that
period once I saw an ad in newspaper about an ayurvedic medicine to
cure it. I tried it for 3 months, but got zero results. This was my
first step towards curing myself.

After that I cleared engineering entrance exam and got admitted to a
govt. college in our state. This was the phase during which my
stammering reached its peak. Reason was fear due to ragging, intro by
seniors and teachers, insecurity (for first time I had left my home).
B.Tech first year was the worst period of my life. I again tried
ayurvedic medicine but no result. When second year started, there was
no fear of ragging, I became more confident after spending 1 year
with my friends. So fear and stammering decreased to some extent.
Third year was very much enjoyable when my confidence again
increased. Towards end of third year my concern about stammering
increased due to fear of placement, seminars, and projects. However I
was damn lucky to clear all these with almost no difficulty!

I got a job in a reputed company. My seminar, projects went well. My
friends gave very nice feedback about my presentations. Here my
B.Tech carrier ends. But in these 4 years my stammering stopped me
from doing numerous activities like joining cricket team, martial
art, taking part in seminars, dance, asking doubts in class,
answering teacher’s questions, talking to girls, playing games on
laptop, organizing events…..and the list goes on….i.e., all those
activities an engineering student does in those 4 years except
study! As you can see here many activities don’t demand good
communication skills. Still I stopped myself from doing them!

Reason was simple…the depression in my mind which accumulated out
of many embarrassing situations. Just imagine a person who thinks of
suicide, how he can enjoy life doing these things. I have avoided
many activities like fresher’s welcome in first year, quoting some
absurd reasons. Friends think I am an introvert, girls think I am too
much proud of my grades, family members think I am adamant, others
think I am nervous but no one knows how helpless I am! ;(

Then I joined job, confidence increased bcoz then I was boss of some
people in the company, no more intro. But in intervals we attended
training programs where I had to give intro. I followed a shortcut, I
said P. Khatua instead of Prasannajit Khatua to avoid stammering. My
friends asked me about this. I told that it is a long name, so I am
cutting it short. Towards the end of two years in job we had a
training of 7 days. All previous programs were for 2 or 3 days with
one time intro. But this was 7 days: 12 lectures, 11 times intro (one
person was very kind to not to ask intro!!). I avoided two times by
going to toilet at the time of intro and staying there until intro
ends and class starts. Rest 9 times I had to introduce myself and I
stammered every time. I felt like being in the worst hell. We were in
a resort then. Everyone enjoyed the food and other comforts. But I
despite all those comforts was looking for end of 7 days. Finally it
ended, I took a deep sigh. While I was returning I took an oath that
first I will cure myself then I will think of other things in my
life.

I started searching net. First thing I found was “Self therapy for
the stutter” by Malcom Fraser. I started reading it and implemented
techniques to some extent. I tried homeopathy but no results. I saw a
video on YouTube where I came to know for first time that Speech
therapy is only option, no medicine can cure you. In the mean time I
visited other websites. But due to work pressure I could not devote
more time for it. Then a miracle happened. I got selected for M.Tech
programme at NITT, which was sponsored by my company. I appeared for
written and interview for this, some days ago and I was sure of
rejection.

But God is great, I don’t know how I was selected in such a tough
competition despite of not doing well in interview. It was the
turning point of my life. I joined M. Tech, now I have got time and
free, fast net. I used them. I devoted significant time on net to
explore the mystery of stammering. I downloaded many books, videos,
read fellow PWS comments. Then slowly my attitude towards stammering
started changing. I got to know more and more about it.

Here I came across TISA, I started to read every TISA blog posts.
Thanks to Sachin sir for his guidance and AHJ, the self help manual.
Thanks to Hemant ji, he is the first person with whom I talked about
my problem freely, he added me to whatsapp group. Now I can share my
feelings with many fellow PWS, which relaxes my burden. Now I am
following a holistic approach: combo pack of pranayama, meditation,
prolongation, correct articulation of feared sounds, EFT, self-record
conversations etc. And I am on the way towards complete management of
stammering. Today I gave a presentation in class with unnoticeable
stammering and got nice feedbacks from my friends. I am happy about
that. But still lot to improve.

By default I am spiritual, I have always asked God to cure me, to
tell the reason why I stammer at least – but never got an answer. No
doubt he has helped me in many situations but the fear never dropped.
Finally I think he has given his answer thru this video
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GQ_bO27-Ug), which always motivates
me. Sachin sir also quotes “This Self is to be realized thru
self-effort”.

I must say I am lucky enough to get friends who never teased me,
instead they have tried to give me opportunities to grow my
confidence and show my skills. I have been mocked at only once in my
life and that too by my uncle! stammering has changed my attitude
towards life significantly, now I never expect anything from anyone.
In fact I have no more expectation in my life. Whatever I get I
become content, I neither become happy nor sad whatsoever, because
God says everything is my illusion and temporary. So (TEMPORARY)
happiness and sorrow are now unable to touch my inner soul.

But still I felt pity when I saw a permanent disability like blind,
cripple, dwarf, and one handed person because these are PERMANENT
throughout life period. And stammering is a kind of permanent too. If
you don’t do anything it will never go. If you try something then
also it will not go completely, you can only manage it, but never can
attain spontaneous fluency. Most important thing is that
stammering stopped me from doing many things like taking interest in
cricket, song, movies, news, grooming myself etc. so I have very less
knowledge about these, so when friends start discussing about these I
stay silent bcoz though I can speak fluently, I have nothing to
speak. Meaning is that, if God cures me today suddenly then also I
can’t live my life to fullest from tomorrow.

I have lost my interests somewhere in the path of life. It will take
time to start living with my interests. I remember the day I wanted
to become a pilot, alas! Had I not had this problem I could at least
live in peace, enjoy my life and this world……list goes on. I want
to study hard for a better job. I want to heal myself (which consumes
significant time daily). Now I am in a dilemma: which one to choose,
both are related to my entire future. But someone has said “However
worst life is, it is always worth living”. Thank you for your
patience.

Prasannajit

Prasannajit.188@gmail.com

09629471505

Editor: Thanks Prasannajit for sharing your story. There are many Indian pws who never receive professional help- and recover through their own efforts, while living a very “FULL” life. Human birth is Karm-pradhan. We are born to work and struggle- like everyone else- and also to have lot of fun in the process- just like everyone else.I think, you have already taken the first step by sharing your story openly, without apologies! You are fully certified member of human race now- and a platinum card member of exclusive TISA club! Cheers!