Solitude: Reflections

My first reaction was- Oh My God!

Then, in a few days time, I became used to the comfortable pace of my life under the lockdown. 

Initially I tried to learn this, practice that, listen to this or watch that – because I thought I have so much time and I must put it to some use. Sitting and doing nothing is bad- that is what I was taught by my middle class upbringing. 

Matlab kucch bhi? 

I questioned my learned wisdom oneday. What should I do? What should I read? Watch? And why? How does it help me? Why is being happy the goal? If I did not do anything, what would happen then? What could happen then?

I felt disturbed by these thoughts and tried to label them as early depression! But nothing helped. Some more time passed and I became comfortable even with this phase:
Question everything. Doubt everything… 

Suddenly I felt as if I am knowing myself in a deeper way- for the first time may be. And to befriend this new new self, I must sit quiet and do nothing- not even whatsapp and data science. 

I saw how very vulnerable I was, not just to corona and ageing – but all the forces of cosmos, all the chaos of Life. I never had any control on anything. It was just an appearance. 

And now even the appearance was melting away. 

Thank you lockdown! For introducing me to myself. 

If the world is a disease, solitude is the cure.