My name is Shailender. I belong to Delhi. I am stammerer. From childhood I have studied in public school. There if you want to go outside for drinking water or washroom, you have to speak English and particular lines taught to us that “May I go to drinking water or May I go to washroom”. That is really a dilemma for me. So my fear always win and I not remember upto class fifth I went to go outside for drinking water or washroom in middle of class. I always wait for recess, school close time, games period etc. Even when I really in deep thirsty or very bad pressure of washroom I always stop myself and pray to God may next class teacher absent and class cancelled and I can go to washroom or drinking water. Even after fifth I went to Govt. School and here is not any discipline of going to washroom etc. Even some time many students went to washroom even without informing to class teacher or monitor. But even in Govt. school I remain my habit to go to washroom or drinking water in off time or recess. I remember first time I visit by calling the word “paani peene”. Even I did big stammer in small two words. The monitor said goes. That was I think 9th class I said against fear and I remember I did this after thinking of 100’s of times. But my habbit remains after that I rarely go outside. But in past, from that time I not go even.
I change my school in class 11th. One student asks my “Chirr”. I replied what is chirr then I understand that from my childhood I was make fun only because of my chirr like one place I was called by sukhi because I was too much thin. One place I was called by calendar (Shailender) or cyllender etc. But because of stammer only few students make fun of me as I not went outside for play in PT period. I always spent time to my desk even in PT period. As I know few students who always wait for PT period that they make my fun because in PT we not get any help from school for any games equipments. Few students always find me to enjoy in PT period. I always curse myself. Even I many times talk about this in my home and my father give a oral complaint to school and one teacher officially give a routine warning but that help for few days but again back to previous issues but indirect way. When I changed school in 11th class I was very happy that all the past students left. In class 11th the new students was very supportive except very few.
One incident I always share in my Delhi SHG meeting we should discuss here. Once upon a time there was my cousin sister marriage and I need to cut my hair from barber. My cousin recommend a special type of hair cutting we should apply while cutting and I was very severe did stammering that I not able to out from there and in last I have to stop that line to speak. So I explain only with hand movement only because I not able to speak one word. The barber and his customer was smiling and want to hide the smiling faces and barber said we understand when I reached home after hair cut all the family members said what you did and what we explain go again to barber shop and change it. Then I again go to barber shop and I practice a line around more than 100 times that I will speak this but again stammering. I amaze that I was clearly speaking in alone then why stammering attacking on same line while confronting him. That was a very big and confusing moment for me. I don’t know what the barber understand but he and his customers while laughing change the cutting. When again I reached home my family again sent to barber while teaching this is not we explained and are you dumb. See in the mirror are you not looking like riksha wala. Then again I went to barber shop but as I know what will happen inside then from outside shop I return home without go inside and said he refuse to do again and again. Then in last my mother come with me and explain him and do little bit change in my hair.
After joining TISA, there is very much changed happened in my life. Like one change I always share in Delhi SHG meeting that after joining TISA now in any family function I openly meet to relatives and family members. Even I wait for the moment when we able to meet and talk any topic etc. But before joining TISA life is not easy. When we was living in Pitam Pura there was home in second floor and most of the times I get informed that many relatives are below and they are coming our home. I always ran to terrace and wait the return of our relatives that some times because of shame but also some times because of stammer I feel. But later when I big enough then I not able to run then I always ran to take some eating stuff or went inside to make tea for relatives. That is not for respect them that are only for I want to remains absent. Even in family function when I need to go there was always a big fear to attend. When I reached there I try to search a corner where less crowdie and I able to hide myself. So as soon as possible I with touching feet very quickly want to out of that people. Touching feet is also very easy for me but in Namaste I have to say Namaste that is also some time tough. But in touching feet you have to hide only for few seconds only but me able to hide myself from that crowd. That few seconds I always relax. So in family function I always wait for lunch as I always carry some stuff of food or drinks and if any relatives ask any question then quickly I eat or drink that stuff and request to wait and I also get time to how I start etc and I spent more time to drink and eat to delay my speaking. Why I am explaining this as I know that story of even many stammerers and this is the emotion state where many stammerer has to face and have to come out. This is the main reason we want to start friend’s convention in Delhi that we can search stammerer and may we able to help them and make them out of that situation where we also face it.
Shailender Vinayak
Delhi Coordinator
Mob.: 9911659788
